Heartsick

[aearwen2]

I'm gonna do something I very, very rarely do: I'm gonna talk about events going on in my online life. Today's topic: losing friendships.

It seems that the fallout from my leaving that writer's workshop I mentioned a while back continues to haunt me. I recently wrote to one of the continuing members in that workshop, after not hearing from this person for quite a while, asking if they were mad at me.

I was told, point blank, that no, they weren't mad at me per se; but, because of the rather noisy way in which one of the other people who left the workshop handled their departure, and because my departure happened at the same time, I was a part of that same noisy departure and thus had violated her spirit of friendship. She "respected my decision" to leave, but wanted nothing more to do with me because I "supported" this other person by walking out "with" her.

Excuse me?

I have said little about my leaving to anybody not directly involved. My post in here was agonizingly brief, considering the huge amount of hurt that accompanied that necessary move. In the process of leaving this online organization, I caused absolutely no drama; I threw no temper tantrum, I posted no private messages in public, I did absolutely nothing that would cause anyone any grief or humiliation or anger. I posted one public message before making my decision, questioning the situation, which was answered in a way that made me feel like I'd been slapped - hard. When the time came to leave, I left quietly and with no fanfare at all. When asked by others after the fact why, I stated my case tersely and then recommended that the person also talk to the other principal involved so as to get a balanced view of the situation.

And now, according to my former friend, I'm persona non grata merely because I happened to leave this workshop over priciples at the same time as another did in a more boisterous fashion.

Well, I'm sorry. Principles are important. When I see someone being treated in an unethical manner, I am going to stand up for that person, no matter who else agrees with me. The behavior of those who make the same principled stand is not my problem or responsibility. I am responsible for the way that I behave, and/or any offenses I commit in the process.

But that's it, dammit!

That someone would hold me responsible for another person's behavior when I had no authority, no true influence over them, utterly defies my ability to comprehend. That this same someone cannot separate standing up for principles from the behavior of others involved in the same fracas makes me truly sad. And while it hurts immensely to say this, I hold that anyone willing to do either, much less both, doesn't deserve to be thought of as a friend in the first place - and I am better off knowing that as soon as possible.

I guess I'm glad I have choir practice tonight, and then have to get up bright and early to play piano/organ duets tomorrow morning. One of my music teachers once told me that "Music is an amulet to be worn against all adversity." I hope that continues to hold true.

Comments

[ruger2.livejournal.com]

Boy, do I hear you on that one! I had a similar experience last weekend, when someone I had asked if I might friend, changed their mind. The reason they changed their mind was because of an opinion I expressed in an online survey that dissented with the view they held. The person's feeling was that they didn't think they could -- I'm stuck for a word here -- have "conversations"? with someone whose views diverged from their own. I felt broadsided, much like you must have, except that I was castigated for stating an opinon in a public forum.



My feeling was, and is, that this is a social network. We're here to enjoy and share similarities, in particular our love of all things Tolkien, and have fun playing around with the "what ifs?".

And good for you for standing up for your principles, and your friends. Loyalty is a rare commodity these days, and should be cherished.

I'm so glad you have your music for solace. And I envy you your ability to play! Music can indeed be such a comfort!

All the best to you with this situation, and I'll be looking forward to more of "In Elrond's House". I'll comment on your comments on the socks and misplaced Feanorion tomorrow.

[jkahane.livejournal.com]

Personally, someone who did that to me, Mar, would be someone that I might not have been friends with to begin with, even in virtual reality.

We are who we are, and we should never apologize for that. The fact that you were judged based on the actions/words of another says more about the person who judged you than anything else.

Good that you have the music to fall back on at the moment. Take that and run with it.

{{{{{hugs}}}}

[lissas-elves.livejournal.com]

Aearwen, I'm incredibly sorry to hear about this. For people to judge you by what others may or may not have done is just completely unfair.

I hope that you will still count me among your friends!

About what started it all: As you know, I happened to arrive at the scene of the great blowup after most of the drama was over. However, I have pieced most of it together and spoken to most of the people involved, and one thing is very clear from all this information: You behaved admirably throughout the whole thing. You did not insult anyone, but spoke up for your friends. When your principles were violated you took the consequences.

You were a good friend and you stood up for what you believe in.

What you posted about the incident here on LJ was a brief explanation. It did not name names nor did it fan the flames.

For what it's worth, I think you handled the whole situation as well as at all possible; your statements throughout have been mature and non-offensive. If everyone had behaved like you, chances are that the whole thing would never had happened!

I do hope your choir practice last night lifted your spirits.

[rhapsody11.livejournal.com]

*hug* I am so sorry that this happened to you, I have observed it from afar and it just sounds so unfair that you are treated like this. I hope you soon can close this chapter.

[peredhellover.livejournal.com]

Aearwen, as someone who was witness to much of what occurred, I second everything that Lissa said. You managed to keep a level head and state your opinions in a calm and rational manner, at the same time that you stood up for your friend and did what you believed was right, even at an obvious personal cost. I respect that very much, and, of course, still count you as a friend.

As for me, I’m not sure what I actually did. But, for what it’s worth, like you, I’m still bothered by it all. I hope you found some happiness in your choir and piano practices.

peredhil lover

[spacellama.livejournal.com]

It all just makes me sad. Disillusioned. Lonely. Bummed.

Sorry that the fall-out continues for you.

[jael-the-scribe.livejournal.com]

And now, according to my former friend, I'm persona non grata merely because I happened to leave this workshop over priciples at the same time as another did in a more boisterous fashion.

I just ran across this, over a month late, and I have to say, I feel heartsick too. I was a part of it, as you well know, and I feel great respect and gratitude toward the people who put principle above comfort and convenience in that matter.

I think I could have been less . . . boisterous myself, but I had already sat quietly while several of my friends were eased (given the boot) out of there half a year earlier. I should have left then.

I was told, point blank, that no, they weren't mad at me per se; but, because of the rather noisy way in which one of the other people who left the workshop handled their departure, and because my departure happened at the same time, I was a part of that same noisy departure and thus had violated her spirit of friendship. She "respected my decision" to leave, but wanted nothing more to do with me because I "supported" this other person by walking out "with" her.

There are many people still left there whom I still think of as friends. I would never think of holding their decision to stay against them. Friendship isn't supposed to be like that.